Not Even to Gain Momentum

She lifted her head from the gravel, where she was tossed, looked up at the stars and wondered if she was even meant to love anyone ever again. She felt the very life drain from her -inside, it felt like her veins were dried out, there was nothing left to give. She looked at her bloodied palms and wiped them on her sweat soaked t-shirt. Nothing left for her to do but stand up and move. Only, she had no desire to do it. She thought of all the times she had given herself up completely to the people that had thrown her on this very dirt road, on very dark nights just like this one. Here she was, yet again, tossed away like a piece of garbage and all she tried to do was be loved and give her love. Yet she was always punished for it. Years came and went and she was still thrown away, now she was here alone, again. She could easily get up and walk back to those people, walk back to the inevitable abandon, go backwards to her comfort, where at least she knew the outcome, but tonight the moon was shining brighter. There were stars that seemed to burn so intense their warmth embraced her where she kneeled. She looked up again and cried out to the Creator in desperation, she needed to move forward this time. Something pushed her with a harsh gentleness from behind, she gasped and felt her bones regain strength. The wind swirled around her and lifted her to her feet, blowing the dirt from her face and her eyes. She remembered her mother's words, "pa' tra' ni pa' cojer impulso", don't go backwards, even to gain momentum. Those words hadn't crossed her mind since before her mother passed, and she was left alone to live on this earth, as a shell of a person. But she noticed something felt different right at this moment, something felt alive inside. She started walking, one small step after another, not really knowing where she would go. She was left on this dark dirt road with no shoes and the rocks became bigger and sharper, she reminded herself not to go backwards, not even to gain momentum and she endured the pain. As she walked she tried to make sense of the last few weeks, the changes that walking forward would bring, she wouldn't be a punching bag anymore, she wouldn't have to walk on eggshells around her abuser anymore, her conditioning would serve her to feel danger at ever corner but she would embrace it now, somehow she felt hope. A slight smile emerged from her battered and bruised face as she realized just hours ago she kneeled and wished for death to come swiftly, but here she was walking forward. Although she felt like it, she wasn't dead yet and that meant there was still a glimmering lining in the darkest of nights, like tonight. So she kept walking, not looking back. Then she remembered the shelter she had once known, and turned away from. This home had appeared on a night like tonight, not long ago, taken her in and comforted her for a moment, as long as she allowed them to. She was afraid to ask for any help but they took her into the house, followed her, asked her if she needed anything at every turn she made. They gave her a room, clothes, food, hugs and time to heal from the tragic disposal of her body on that dirt road. Even when she thought she was making the most insignificant requests, they were beautiful souls that did everything they could to fulfill them and she felt she did not deserve any of it. She remembered the most impressionable night she was there, sitting in her room wondering how long it would take her to turn backwards, when a knock came at the door, she was greeted by a smile that would make anyone believe in the Creator of Heaven and Earth. This young beautiful being stood at her door and handed her a lotion that she forgot she asked for, she stared at this being incredulous at the thought that the conversation was remembered from hours before. She had simply mentioned the need for the item in passing, and here was this amazing person handing her something so small, yet so remarkable. She watched this creation of Jah walk away and wondered if there were more people that would be sent to look out for her but on that very night she was afflicted with discomfort, her child needed her and she had to leave her safety. Somehow she knew she would end up discarded on that dirt road again, in time she always knew she would go backwards and be tossed out and abandoned.

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An inkling of embarrassment and fear crept up inside her and voices rumbled in her head. She heard them tell her they wouldn't want her back at the house, they would judge her, they didn't have room for her anymore, she could still go backwards and be comforted by her abuser even if just for a moment it was better than nothing. She looked up again and heard her mother's voice, "not even to gain momentum". She walked fearfully, but wonderfully, towards this shelter and decided she wouldn't turn back, not this time. She remembered her mother being strong, escaping for her children, moving forward too. She would do the same, even if she was destined to never be loved again, even if the unknown was more frightening than the abuse she was leaving behind. Another step, and another, until she saw the bright lights at the end of the dark road; there was the house. Her heart raced and she slowed down, trying to catch her breath, trying to find her strength, her eyesight got dark again and she lowered her head. Insecurities crawled up her legs making them weak, her knees buckled trying to collapse, she felt the insecurities make their way to the pit of her stomach and through her arms until they were in her head screaming for her to turn around, to go back to what she knew. She closed her eyes and searched her memory for something that would help her focus on moving forward. She recalled the beautiful creation of Jah and that brilliant smile, she found comfort in the memory, and although the screams of insecurities were trying to drown her last little bit of life she held onto that echo of beauty and forced her limbs to move forward. The end of the road seemed longer than it had ever seemed before, she determined it would be indicative of the closing of this life long chapter. The end of her being taken, the end of her being abandoned, the end of her not being enough, if she was enough for her and her kids, that would be enough. The end of this dirt road was the end of the abuse she had come to nurture and sustain for over 17 years. The house finally seemed closer and with every step she felt the shed of her past fly away with the very wind that kept her on her feet. Her eyes opened up like waterfalls as she let go of her pain, she would move forward now and for the first time she would allow comfort and healing to dwell in, and around her. She reached the house, no longer with expectations, those had floated away along with the agony, in the wind. She just knew she was alive and she was enough. She stared at the floor while she waited for someone to open the door. She was already here, there was no sense in trying to listen to any of the voices wanting to invade. She heard the door crack open and saw the smile again, the beautiful creation of Jah stood in front of her, when their eyes met, the warmth of that smile ignited something in her she hadn't felt since she was a little girl laying on her mothers lap. The instant comfort and warmth came spilling out of the brilliant smile, "Welcome back". The creation of Jah was in fact the comfort of Jah, with open arms, she was cradled softly at the doorstep and guided inside. In that moment Andrea knew things would never be the same, she was enough, she was safe and she would be loved, never to look back again, not even to gain momentum.